Sacrifice or Obedience?

I think the one word that would capture at least most of the things that I am feeling at this moment of my life it would be Resolve. This is especially evident to me now but the more I think about it becomes clear that this word has been the motivation for and shaped most of my life.

A synonym for my resolve would be devotion or determination. I thrive off of it. It is probably my best character trait...and my worst. For the very reason that it seems so noble, I count on it far too much. I depend on my ability to endure and stick with something to the cold bitter end, even if it hurts me. This is nothing short of Godless. It is a refusal to be helped by God or man, because I am above that I dont need it.

Lately this is again what iv done. Its a survival tactic.

These days I know that I must persue simplicity. The irony that comes is that I become so perfectionisticly determined to be simple that I lose my simplicity in my perfectionistic determination!

This is sacrifice without obedience. It seems like obedience but its not, its relying on myself and what I have determined and resolved to do to carry me through. Its clinging and holding on.

What will rescue me? Jesus.
The Jesus who is trustworthy with my whole life, with my whole heart. When He has me I am free to let go of what I have, of what I have determined within myself. Those things that bind me, trap me. Jesus is my freedom, with Him I can throw it all away and let go. I no longer have to be determined to keep my firm grip. I can let myself fall into the safety of what grips me.

Yes commitment is important, determination is important, resolve is inportant. But what comes before it??

Surrender!

When I am surrendered I am no longer in control. Its not my word that counts. Its not what I hold that counts. I am set free!!

Surrender to who or what? Its not safe to surrender to anything that is not trustworthy of having possesion of me. Only one person is.....Jesus. He is the only one who is worthy of my submission, of my surrender AND worthy of my commitment, devotion as they come AFTER surrender.

I am not my own. I don't belong to myself. Even my DESIRES aren't belong to me.

Yes, desires... that is what God is after. He wants my desires. If I desire the right things then I will do the right things. This is obedience, to surrender my desires to Him, not just my actions (which is sacrifice).

My determination will never rescue me. It fails me every time.

Each time it fails me, each time I let go and surrender, God changes my desire. When I desire what He does then I no longer have to rely on my own determination.

God ussualy doesn't tell a person eplicitly what they should do through a voice from heaven. He tells them what to do by giving them a desire. A desire that is shared by God, is aligned with Him and His word of truth.

There are lot of truths that I try to tightly hold, but what holds me? What truth, that is aligned with God's word gives me a compelling desire? A desire that is God's own desire that He has chosen to share with me. To embrace that desire, THAT is obedience. That desire comes from surrender, surrender to His word, not determination that I think will get me by.

Right now the truth that grips me and wont let go is that I am not my own.

Those are sweet words that I am not my own, because who I belong to ....Jesus.